I got a new job. A good new job. The kind of job I’ve been hoping to get. The kind of job that is part of my career plan. The kind of job that gives us greater security for our family. The right job at the right time.
I’m really excited about it, I’m happy about it. It means a lot of change for our family. It means a lot more childcare. A lot less time with the kids Monday to Friday. It means I feel awful. I feel awful that I can’t pick them up from school any more. I feel awful that my daughter has been crying. I feel awful that she doesn’t want to go to childcare. I feel awful that it’s my fault
I feel like in some ways I’ve made a really bad decision. Should I have waited? Should I have looked for something with less hours, or less responsibility or less something?
Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do why beat ourselves up for making the right decision? Why can’t the right decision just be the right decision? Why do we have to worry and fret that the right decision is actually the wrong decision?
I don’t feel under pressure from anyone but myself. I feel like I should be able to do it all. Career. Family. Home. Life. I want to do it all. I should be able to do it all.
I want to believe that everything will work out. That I can find that elusive balance between my career and my family. They are my world. I’m doing this for them. I’m trying to make things better for us all. Not just now but in the long run. I want to raise strong, confident children who understand the value of hard work and determination. I want them to know that both parents can work and have careers and that in our house my career is just as important to me as Daddy’s is to him.
I want my children to know that I put them first. That at the end of the day when I pick them up they are my focus. They are my priority and they are my heart.
I want the guilt to go away so that I can remember what they will remember in the long run. They may remember all those hours in childcare but I need to make sure that they remember the time we spend together after childcare more.
I just want to find peace with the new set up. I want to forget my working mothers guilt.